In the last few months I’ve noticed that, given the time of year, I now seem to be able to get through most nights without dreaming about turkey hunting. This is a marked improvement from my first few turkey seasons when my dreams were guaranteed to be some bizarre, nightly hodgepodge of clips I’d seen in turkey hunting videos superimposed upon areas I was familiar with, all the while starring yours truly in various throes of success.
Yes, the lunatic mind of this particular hunter is a complex and frightening thing. But perhaps I’m mellowing since in the last couple of months most nights drift blissfully past with my subconscious engaged in dreams about other things.
No I won’t tell you what those things are. Quit asking.
Still, the more common and possibly even more torturous experience lately takes place during those brief moments of drowsy, semi-lucidity that start when my alarm goes off every morning. Invariably my mornings for the last month have each gone something like this:
6:55am: Alarm goes off blaring Led Zeppelin’s “The Immigrant Song”. Drowsily hit snooze button.
6:55am to 7:03am: Think about how I’d rather be turkey hunting. Consider several locations and set ups for stands in areas of the
. Bruce Peninsula
7:04am: Alarm resumes, this time with an ad for some local window repair shop. Hit snooze button again.
7:04am to 7:12am: Back to thinking about turkey hunting. Relive horrifying failures from past turkey seasons, resolve not to be a failure in 2011. Cat jumps on groin. Convulse instinctively and then kick the cat.
7:13am: Alarm once again goes off. Mindless announcer banter. Smash snooze button backhanded this time. Momentarily fear that I may have broken the alarm clock; will find out in 9 minutes.
7:13am to 7:21am: Have mini-dream about scenarios that will never happen. Decide what to do if my cousin and I set up on a double. Picture topo maps of local county forests and start figuring out where I should be set up. Think about how you score a triple-bearded turkey. Do budget quickly in head to see if new decoys are an option this year. Realize that based on my hasty calculations they aren’t and double check my math. Still a no go.
7:22am: Alarm re-engages. Experience momentary relief that I haven’t broken it, which is replaced by rage that the alarm continues to disrespect me by continuing to go off again and again. Guns & Rose’s “Patience” is playing. Enjoy the irony briefly before tapping the snooze button in a jaunty fashion.
7:22am to 7:30am: Realize that one more use of the snooze button will negate time usually required for basic hygiene. Experience brief mental conflict before doing turkey vest inventory in my mind. Cat licks my eyebrows. Make mental note to sharpen knives (not for use on the cat…yet) and to also check the mail to see if turkey license has arrived. Plan to buy conditioning pad for my slate call and strikers…silently berate self for absent-mindedly losing same item last year.
7:31am: Alarm goes off with last part of 7:30am news and sports report. Decide that since I have cologne, I only need to brush my teeth. Massage snooze button into submission one last time.
7:31am to 7:35am: Have crisis of conscience before ultimately deciding that the cologne route is a poor decision and drag my ass out of bed. Various joints click, pop, and creak.
7:35am to 7:55am: Have hurried shower while cursing the slow approach of turkey season. While brushing my teeth, also engage in brief tirade related to the realities of capitalism and their conspiracy to prevent me from hunting everyday as I was obviously meant to. Wife yells at me for not turning the alarm off…appears that she likes The Band’s cover of “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down” much less than I do. Apologize while getting dressed. Eat quick bowl of cereal, pack lunch and hit the road. Realize ten minutes later than I only hit the snooze button and in fact forgot to turn off the alarm. Decide that wife ought to be getting up by now anyways.
I’m trying to find a way to break this cycle, with the ultimate goal being a more efficient morning routine i.e. one that does not take an hour to get me ready and on the way to work.
To date I have made little progress, but then again, I’m not really trying that hard.